Are You Here To Have FUN?

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


What a fucking perfect way to spend a summer, eh? Jesus, I can't count the many bodies I've bathed in trying to wriggle my way out of captivity like a goddamned worm. Oh, did I tell you? I'm sure someone must've so I'll spare you the trouble. Meh, I don't give a fuck.

Anyway, Dipshit found her way to the hellhole I mentioned. Took her about half an hour to get through the fucking front door. Bitch can't handle a ten foot deep ditch, I guess. Ha! Well, anywho, she finally got her two-cent detective ass in the house. It was quiet, which pissed me off. You can't work your way around traps! That's no fun! Pft! Whatever. It was about five minutes before I threw caution to the fucking wind and decided to make a little surprise visit. Oh ho, it was a surprise alright. 'Course, I'm not one for surprises unless someone gets killed... or if it's someone other than me being surprised. Ugh. The smug slut knew I'd come. Oh, we had a nice chit chat as usual, a bullet or two flew my way but other than that it was just fucking peachy. Especially when she brought little fucks to join the party. Oh, sure, I could fight off those bastards with one arm cut off if I'd wanted. But you know, boredom is a bitch. Besides, it had been awhile since I'd been tortured for information. It was actually more fun than I thought! I might have to do that shit from now on! Hehehe!

So, if you brain dead fucks haven't figured it out yet, that's where I've been for the past few months. I fucking love to scare the living shit out of the people who took me back to headquarters to interrogate. Danced around like jittery little fleas that needed to chill and get laid bad. Ha! Well, aside from it being fun (which in the end, is the only thing that matters!), it turned out pretty damned smart of me to remain in captivity. I always knew what the brainless detective was up to, which was basically fucking around in a wild goose chase. They scoured the house clean except for one room that was hot-wired to a "mini" explosive that would send the whole neighborhood to hell and back in a sea of flames! Eehehehehe, oh, how I wish I could've seen that! But the smart asses didn't even attempt to break through the fucking door. Ugh. Kill-fucking-joys, I swear.

It wasn't long before Birnhaum decided she wanted to talk face to face with yours truly. Sashayed her way in, didn't you, you fuck? By the way, sorry about the arm. I'll be sure to tear it off next time and watch as you bleed to death! Haha! Anyhooters, she sat her skinny ass down across from me. Can't remember what I was doing; I knew I must've flipped the bitch off when she slammed some fucking paperwork on the table between us.

"What's behind the door, Zero?"

"Suck dick, bitch. Your men disabled all my traps. Like fuck I'll cooperate."

She did that lean where her hands gripped the sides of the table and gave me an ugly ass glare. God... I bet she looks just like her jackass mother. "Then why are you here?"

"Fuck if I know." Ha! Bitch didn't give away any kind of sign that she's was annoyed, but ooh, I could sense it. Not used to having things not go your way, eh?

"We've kept you here for five months-" Shit. Got carried away in my fun, didn't I? Hehehe. "-and we've come no closer to closing this case than we did five months ago." You're a pretty dumb bitch, aren't you then? "... The torture can stop. All you have to do is talk."

"Tell you what. Go jump into a pit of fiery molten lava and then we'll fucking talk."

"You said we were the same." Oh fuck, not this again. Bitch seriously let it get to her head. "And I have a feeling I'll find out how when I get through that door."

Uh huh. Keep telling yourself that. But this was interesting. First time in five fucking months since they mentioned opening that goddamned thing. Dumb shits were finally finding a way around the bomb. Pft! At least my time wasn't wasted having fun in this hellhole. Ha! So by this time the bastards probably figured out they needed something from me. Dipshit Detective didn't miss a beat.

"What's the code, Zero?" Bingo.

"1-800-Fuck-the-shit-off-before-I-slice-open-your-throat." Didn't know bitches her age still threw tantrums. Like, seriously, flipping over the goddamned table and knocking me over isn't gonna get you anywhere, dumbass. Still amusing as fuck, though. I swear I busted open a lung or some shit laughing.

Cutting to the chase, quite literally, I'm on a chase. After our little fireside chat, I decided Birnhaum's progress was too fucking close for comfort so I broke out. They had the most creative ways to try and get me to stop, but other than that it was easier than blood pie. Hehe. About fourteen men and the detective herself. Tell me something Birnhaum, how does it feel to have compassion? Hmm? All those people you love and care for, dropping like fucking flies on a hot ass summer day? I'll tell you one thing... at least their blood tastes pretty goddamned amazing. EHEHEHEHEHE!!

So, without further adieu, I've got a bomb to set off. Surviving that thing is going to be FUN. See you fucks later!